WELCOME TO MICHAEL
TEACHINGS HUMOR!
The Michael Teachings is a collection of channeled
material from a spiritual entity comprised of 1050 souls named "Michael."
They're stone effing dead!
 One
topic that Michael teaches about is soul age, a channeled measurement of what you have
experienced in past lives, how much you have learned, and what you
probably should have been incarcerated for to the fullest extent of the
law, but got away with by dying.
The soul age most revered by Michael students is the old soul. Old souls
are valued for their psychic abilities, their understanding of the world,
and their thick, gravy-colored cataracts that attract optometric surgeons
like ravenous creatures of the night. The eyes are the window to the soul,
of course, but with old souls, the curtains in those windows are drawn so
often that the deathly pallor of their skin only looks good around
Halloween. Thank Tao for that one-stop destination with old souls in mind,
Embalmers-R-us.
The following criteria may be used to
determine if you are an old soul:
- Your idea of a stiff drink is embalming fluid.
- Whenever you walk into an antique store they
hang a price tag on you.
- You can remember a past life where you were the
first person to walk erect.
If this accurately describes you, then you are an old soul of
considerable latitude, and you probably were born with a name appropriate
for a person of your spiritual stature, such as
Harvey U. Dustbucket. But don't claim
those senior citizen discounts just yet. There is great responsibility
that comes with being an enlightened being and a purveyor of wisdom --
there's also an old person smell that has a radioactive half-life long
enough to incapacitate every maggot on the planet, including the past
lives of every maggot that ever existed. Being an old soul, apparently,
not only carries great responsibility, but it requires a kick-ass
cologne.
So why, you may ask, should you have conversations
with dead people? Michael has an even better question: why would they
want to converse with you? You'd think after being fossilized in the
dusty annals of history, or worse yet, entombed under six feet of sod,
that dead people might have more pressing things on their minds --
like desperately trying to claw their way out of their coffins!
In the past (and this is a little known fact), those who
once communicated with the dead were forced to read tea leaves off the
flabby thighs of geriatric women with problem flatulence. Now with the
Michael teachings, channels simply pump their fists in the air a couple times, shout "VROOM!,"
and there's an instant connection to the afterlife. With these monumental
changes, people have awakened to a greater understanding of themselves and
the true nature of reality -- not to mention their tea leaves no longer
smell like lingering farts in a crowded elevator.
Little girl blessed with
a-GAP-eh?
So as you sit in a sobriety-deprived stupor,
contemplating that sordid affair you once had with a circus midget, remember
that in the end, the ultimate goal in life is the attainment of a-GAP-eh, a
euphoric state where a noticeable gap in your front teeth forms -- a gap,
eh? -- often caused by falling asleep in a crop circle with a redneck named Cooter who entices you to drink motor oil till you see a UFO. Copulation
during such episodes can result in the birth of psychically gifted beings,
known in many spiritual circles as Jaundice-Yellow children -- not to
be confused with those highfalutin Indigo children who were conceived
with green tea colonics and latte enemas.
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Found
a-GAP-eh |
Found
a-GAP-eh |
Found
a-GAP-eh |
Found
a-GAP-eh |
STILL
SEARCHING! |
More
beautiful souls blessed with a-GAP-eh
In either
case, as shown in the picture below, a-GAP-eh (or unconditional love) is definitely better than
having the flesh gnawed off your bones by crazed Michael students fulfilling
their ATE agreements (Please see
Shocking Tale
of Murder, Cannibalism & Zombies). Though, couldn't it be said that allowing
someone to devour your liver might be the greatest expression of love of
all?
Bon appetite!
Real Life Michael Students
Fulfilling Their Ate Agreements
CONGRATULATIONS! You have just been eaten by bat-shit
crazy Michael students posing as murderous zombies. This completes your
incarnational cycle on the physical plane. Please step forward so that you
may now be reabsorbed back into your entity.
We regret to inform you that your personality will not survive this
procedure, but it is a relatively painless process. You may take comfort
in the knowledge that your memory banks will be lovingly collected, and an
archive of your life experiences will be placed on a special shelf in the
trophy case of the Tao.
Michael and the Tao are highly appreciative of the
contributions you have made to their continued evolution, and want you to
know that the sordid little incident with that circus midget has long been
forgotten.
You may now complete your earth cycle. As you step into the reabsorption
chamber, you may feel a slight degree of discomfort as a million razor sharp
blades crush through your skull cap and our quantum vacuum system begins
sucking out your spiritual entrails via the crown chakra.
Once again, thank you for your participation on the physical plane.
Love, Michael
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About This Site
(For Real)
Michael Teachings Humor champions the belief that life (and even the Michael
teachings) should never be taken too seriously. This site
playfully slaughters the sacred cows in the teachings to help
Michael students laugh at the absurdities in life and keep
things in perspective -- including silly attempts to canonize
channels or worship the teachings like a religion.
Now
get down on your knees and pray!
Here at
Michael Land we believe that a little mockery and irreverence is
healthy. But if you lack a sense of humor, either go to
a clinic and get yourself immunized for being tediously dull, or
please...LEAVE NOW ;-)
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