WELCOME TO MICHAEL
The Michael Teachings is a collection of channeled material from a spiritual entity comprised of 1050 souls named "Michael." They're stone effing dead!
One topic that Michael teaches about is soul age, a channeled measurement of what you have experienced in past lives, how much you have learned, and what you probably should have been incarcerated for to the fullest extent of the law, but got away with by dying.
The soul age most revered by Michael students is the old soul. Old souls are valued for their psychic abilities, their understanding of the world, and their thick, gravy-colored cataracts that attract optometric surgeons like ravenous creatures of the night. The eyes are the window to the soul, of course, but with old souls, the curtains in those windows are drawn so often that the deathly pallor of their skin only looks good around Halloween. Thank Tao for that one-stop destination with old souls in mind, Embalmers-R-us.
The following criteria may be used to determine if you are an old soul:
If this accurately describes you, then you are an old soul of considerable latitude, and you probably were born with a name appropriate for a person of your spiritual stature, such as Harvey U. Dustbucket. But don't claim those senior citizen discounts just yet. There is great responsibility that comes with being an enlightened being and a purveyor of wisdom -- there's also an old person smell that has a radioactive half-life long enough to incapacitate every maggot on the planet, including the past lives of every maggot that ever existed. Being an old soul, apparently, not only carries great responsibility, but it requires a kick-ass cologne.
So why, you may ask, should you have conversations with dead people? Michael has an even better question: why would they want to converse with you? You'd think after being fossilized in the dusty annals of history, or worse yet, entombed under six feet of sod, that dead people might have more pressing things on their minds -- like desperately trying to claw their way out of their coffins!
In the past (and this is a little known fact), those who once communicated with the dead were forced to read tea leaves off the flabby thighs of geriatric women with problem flatulence. Now with the Michael teachings, channels simply pump their fists in the air a couple times, shout "VROOM!," and there's an instant connection to the afterlife. With these monumental changes, people have awakened to a greater understanding of themselves and the true nature of reality -- not to mention their tea leaves no longer smell like lingering farts in a crowded elevator.
So as you sit in a sobriety-deprived stupor, contemplating that sordid affair you once had with a circus midget, remember that in the end, the ultimate goal in life is the attainment of a-GAP-eh, a euphoric state where a noticeable gap in your front teeth forms -- a gap, eh? -- often caused by falling asleep in a crop circle with a redneck named Cooter who entices you to drink motor oil till you see a UFO. Copulation during such episodes can result in the birth of psychically gifted beings, known in many spiritual circles as Jaundice-Yellow children -- not to be confused with those highfalutin Indigo children who were conceived with green tea colonics and latte enemas.
More beautiful souls blessed with a-GAP-eh
In either case, as shown in the picture below, a-GAP-eh (or unconditional love) is definitely better than having the flesh gnawed off your bones by crazed Michael students fulfilling their ATE agreements (Please see Shocking Tale of Murder, Cannibalism & Zombies). Though, couldn't it be said that allowing someone to devour your liver might be the greatest expression of love of all?
Michael and the Tao are highly appreciative of the
contributions you have made to their continued evolution, and want you to
know that the sordid little incident with that circus midget has long been
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Web page created and maintained by David Gregg
Revised: March, 2011
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Michael has left the building!
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