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Michael Teachings Quote For This Session

WELCOME TO MICHAEL TEACHINGS HUMOR!

The Michael Teachings is a collection of channeled material from a spiritual entity comprised of 1050 souls named "Michael."  They're stone effing dead!

One topic that Michael teaches about is soul age, a channeled measurement of what you have experienced in past lives, how much you have learned, and what you probably should have been incarcerated for to the fullest extent of the law, but got away with by dying.

The soul age most revered by Michael students is the old soul. Old souls are valued for their psychic abilities, their understanding of the world, and their thick, gravy-colored cataracts that attract optometric surgeons like ravenous creatures of the night. The eyes are the window to the soul, of course, but with old souls, the curtains in those windows are drawn so often that the deathly pallor of their skin only looks good around Halloween. Thank Tao for that one-stop destination with old souls in mind, Embalmers-R-us.

The following criteria may be used to determine if you are an old soul:

  1. Your idea of a stiff drink is embalming fluid.
  2. Whenever you walk into an antique store they hang a price tag on you.
  3. You can remember a past life where you were the first person to walk erect.

If this accurately describes you, then you are an old soul of considerable latitude, and you probably were born with a name appropriate for a person of your spiritual stature, such as Harvey U. Dustbucket. But don't claim those senior citizen discounts just yet. There is great responsibility that comes with being an enlightened being and a purveyor of wisdom -- there's also an old person smell that has a radioactive half-life long enough to incapacitate every maggot on the planet, including the past lives of every maggot that ever existed. Being an old soul, apparently, not only carries great responsibility, but it requires a kick-ass cologne.

So why, you may ask, should you have conversations with dead people? Michael has an even better question: why would they want to converse with you? You'd think after being fossilized in the dusty annals of history, or worse yet, entombed under six feet of sod, that dead people might have more pressing things on their minds -- like desperately trying to claw their way out of their coffins!

In the past (and this is a little known fact), those who once communicated with the dead were forced to read tea leaves off the flabby thighs of geriatric women with problem flatulence. Now with the Michael teachings, channels simply pump their fists in the air a couple times, shout "VROOM!," and there's an instant connection to the afterlife. With these monumental changes, people have awakened to a greater understanding of themselves and the true nature of reality -- not to mention their tea leaves no longer smell like lingering farts in a crowded elevator.


Little girl blessed with a-GAP-eh?

So as you sit in a sobriety-deprived stupor, contemplating that sordid affair you once had with a circus midget, remember that in the end, the ultimate goal in life is the attainment of a-GAP-eh, a euphoric state where a noticeable gap in your front teeth forms -- a gap, eh? -- often caused by falling asleep in a crop circle with a redneck named Cooter who entices you to drink motor oil till you see a UFO. Copulation during such episodes can result in the birth of psychically gifted beings, known in many spiritual circles as Jaundice-Yellow children -- not to be confused with those highfalutin Indigo children who were conceived with green tea colonics and latte enemas.

Found a-GAP-eh

Found a-GAP-eh

Found a-GAP-eh

Found a-GAP-eh

STILL SEARCHING!

More beautiful souls blessed with a-GAP-eh

In either case, as shown in the picture below, a-GAP-eh (or unconditional love) is definitely better than having the flesh gnawed off your bones by crazed Michael students fulfilling their ATE agreements (Please see Shocking Tale of Murder, Cannibalism & Zombies). Though, couldn't it be said that allowing someone to devour your liver might be the greatest expression of love of all?

Bon appetite! 


Real Life Michael Students
Fulfilling Their Ate Agreements


CONGRATULATIONS! You have just been eaten by bat-shit crazy Michael students posing as murderous zombies. This completes your incarnational cycle on the physical plane. Please step forward so that you may now be reabsorbed back into your entity.

We regret to inform you that your personality will not survive this procedure, but it is a relatively painless process. You may take comfort in the knowledge that your memory banks will be lovingly collected, and an archive of your life experiences will be placed on a special shelf in the trophy case of the Tao.

Michael and the Tao are highly appreciative of the contributions you have made to their continued evolution, and want you to know that the sordid little incident with that circus midget has long been forgotten.

You may now complete your earth cycle. As you step into the reabsorption chamber, you may feel a slight degree of discomfort as a million razor sharp blades crush through your skull cap and our quantum vacuum system begins sucking out your spiritual entrails via the crown chakra.

Once again, thank you for your participation on the physical plane.

Love, Michael

 

About This Site (For Real)

Michael Teachings Humor champions the belief that life (and even the Michael teachings) should never be taken too seriously. This site playfully slaughters the sacred cows in the teachings to help Michael students laugh at the absurdities in life and keep things in perspective -- including silly attempts to canonize channels or worship the teachings like a religion.

Now get down on your knees and pray!

Here at Michael Land we believe that a little mockery and irreverence is healthy. But if you lack a sense of humor, either go to a clinic and get yourself immunized for being tediously dull, or please...LEAVE NOW ;-)
 

 

 


                   

 

Recent Channeling

(Session: 1,398,456,234,456,234,200 Oct 9, '98 4:36 AM)

DAVE - Michael, could you briefly outline the sexual style of each role?

MICHAEL - Yes, indeed. And it always bears repeating: a hard man is good to find. 

  1. Servers do it with fresh linen

  2. Artisans do it in Technicolor

  3. Warriors do it again and again and again

  4. Scholars do it by the book

  5. Sages do it full of hot air

  6. Priests do it in Seventh Heaven

  7. Kings do it when "not amused"
     

DAVE - Michael, what are the signs that our life is finished on the physical plane?

MICHAEL - There are three such signs:

  1. Strange voices urge you to build a coffin.

  2. Men in white suits with oxygen masks arrive at your door and ask if you have next of kin.

  3. The inside of your mouth tastes like the contents of your cat's litter box.
     

DAVE - Michael, I know that violence is not condoned, but is there ever justification for suicide?

MICHAEL - Only if you awake from a deep sleep and there are hickies on your neck and a
crumpled note on your chest from Bashar that says, "Thanks! It was truly special."


DAVE - Michael, why can't I have more scintillating conversations with women?

MICHAEL - What invariably happens is the following:

When 120 pounds of blonde enters your field of vision, a most unappealing biological mechanism
occurs that has plagued homo sapiens since women first graced the planet and man decided to
walk, more or less, erect. Research scientists sometimes call this phenomenon an involuntary
neural synapse resulting in disorganized communication and societally abrasive behavior --
we just call it babbling cretinism.

Babbling cretinism has the effect of regressing the gene pool -- which in your case is mostly
used by mosquito larvae anyway -- and through a pre-evolutionary time-frame it reconstitutes
the genetic code. In other words, it gives you the IQ of beef jerky.

So amidst the simian grunts and annoying globs of problem drool, the intellectual thrust of
your conversations usually amount to: "Can I wear your panties on my head?" This wouldn't
be a problem, of course, if you were satisfied with the kind of women that make farting sounds
with their armpits, but even babbling cretins gotta have some standards. So to use your parlance,
we succinctly offer the following advice: if you really want a quality woman, just pay the
$3.99 per minute phone charge.


DAVE - Michael, can you tell me what you are studying now?

MICHAEL - Yes, wise grasshopper. We are observing the philosophical ramifications of
cream cheese on toasted bagels. But consider this your lucky day, for it's been
scientifically proven that the cosmic power unleashed in every awe-inspiring word we utter
can cause toilets to flush simultaneously all over the world.

And if you're a student visiting this site for the first time, as our honored guest we
promise to provide you with a bit of insight, a couple hundred pounds of tomfoolery,
and a remarkable ability to plunge into the seemingly bottomless abyss of
philosophical intrigue to reveal...

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

 



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