An Interview



DAVE: Many students are unaware of the fact that you played the role of Pinhead in the Hellraiser movies. How did you get picked for the role?

MICHAEL: [Clearing throat...] Dave, WE'LL TEAR YOUR SOUL APART!!

DAVE: Haha...You do that rather convincingly, Michael.

MICHAEL: Thank you.

We got the part in Hellraiser for one obvious reason: since we were already dead  -- an inconvenience for some in the cast but a major convenience for us -- it didn't hurt like the dickens when they pounded those 1050 pins into our skull. Prior to our arrival, they had given the role to a human actor, a mere incarnate, but when it was time each morning for the inevitable ordeal of reinserting those pins, the hideous shrieks and mad flailing about was just too off-putting for the rest of the cast. And some of the more traumatized cast members were later given copies of our books to help.

DAVE: How exciting! Was this to help them find their spiritual path?

MICHAEL: No. To help them sleep. Our books are deadly dull and work as a powerful sleep aid and muscle relaxer -- you could stop a bull elephant with one by just showing the front cover. In some countries our books are considered a safe and sane substitute to the Kervorkian machine. And don't even try to read them before driving or operating heavy machinery. You'll be on a one-way trip to the Astral plane.

DAVE: Concerning your teachings, it's been said that you come to all who ask.

MICHAEL: We come to all who ask "nicely." There's an important distinction. You wouldn't believe the rude requests we get from channels that charge their clients a fee equivalent to the debt of a third world country, only to distort and misconstrue everything we say.

DAVE: So you're concerned with the apparent inconsistency among your channels?

MICHAEL: To be honest, we sometimes wonder if we'd have more success channeling through a flatworm.

DAVE: I see.

MICHAEL: So many of our most foundational tenets have been garbled.

DAVE: Like "all is choice?"

MICHAEL: Exactly! We really meant to say, all is TASTERS CHOICE.

DAVE: Excuse me? All is ...?

MICHAEL: You just can't get good coffee on the Causal plane. For one, temperature doesn't exist there, so the coffee is neither hot nor cold. It's just...

DAVE: Wet?

MICHAEL: Don't we wish! And we also lack taste buds, so for all intents and purposes we could chug a cup of battery acid and get the same effect, which is no effect at all.  We don't have mouths, we don't have stomachs, and when we drink a cup of coffee it just passes through our imaginary throat and splashes all over the floor. But we don't have floors, either, so that same coffee is now floating somewhere in the vastness of the space-time continuum. Maybe that's when the Tao gets a sip now and then, when some idiot on the Causal plane thinks he can beat the laws of the Universe and drink a piping hot cup of mojo. Ain't that a f-ing hoot!

DAVE: But didn't you once say that nothing is ever wasted? 

MICHAEL: Ah, ha! Yet another example of more garbled channeling. We never said that nor did we imply it. What we really said was, "NOTHING BEATS GETTING WASTED."

DAVE: But is getting wasted a common Causal plane pursuit?

MICHAEL: Listen. We get so desperate here for a little entertainment that we'd try to get a contact high from the primordial soup if we could -- anything to drown out the agonizing din of being trapped in the pandemonium of an overcrowded entity. Talk about hearing voices in your head: try 1049 of them all talking at once! It's like being stuck in a mad hotel where everyone is traipsing in and out of your room, leaving candy wrappers on the floor, racking up a bill on your pay-per-view movies, and constantly raiding your mini-bar. We didn't even get a vibrating bed with the deal. All we got was that lousy inflatable TAO doll, and its got a leak in it.

DAVE: Having no privacy sounds awful. How do you get away from it all?

MICHAEL: It's not easy. There's always a long line at the shuttle to the Astral plane, and 1050 shirtless, sweaty  Warriors and Kings all making fart bubbles in an overflowing hot tub is not a desirable diversion, either.  And just imagine them washing their pubes afterwards. Not a pleasant sight. But on occasion we do travel to the Land of Lint for some much needed R & R.

Dave: The Land of...?

MICHAEL: Don't knock it till you've tried it.

DAVE: I read in the Astral Enquirer that you were spotted on a date with Elvira, mistress of the dark.

MICHAEL: Ah, yes. Elvira. A tantalizing temptress with the loveliest set of kneecaps this side of the Akashic records.

DAVE: Funny, I've never looked as low as her kneecaps. 

MICHAEL: We hit it off right away with Elvira. With those hideous pins in our skull and that ghastly make-up we borrowed from our Hellraiser days, Elvira was a kindred spirit. The only problem was with the sex.

DAVE: The sex? But Elvira is so hot she could melt the polar ice caps on our planet and in a couple parallel universes, too

MICHAEL: It wasn't a question of length -- or even girth for that matter.

DAVE: Then what in Tao's name was it?

MICHAEL: We don't have a penis. It's only a holographic image.


MICHAEL: Elvira said she had been with men who were of insufficient size, or who couldn't perform without a little blue pill, but this was the first time she had ever been fucked by thin air.

DAVE: Haha...You're killing me, Michael. Too funny.

MICHAEL: We don't think it's funny at all.

DAVE: Haha...I can't help imagine you guys madly thrusting away, and she's lying there bored out of her mind, watching the Home Shopping Channel.

MICHAEL: Stop laughing, Dave.

DAVE: Haha...My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I'm sorry.


DAVE: Haha...Don't pull that dopey Hellraiser nonsense on me.


DAVE: Hey, that hurts! No! Stop! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!


- Note: Interview abruptly ended.



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