YOU ARE A SERVER
You will probably spend most of your life pointing your feet towards the ceiling. P.T. Barnum made a fortune exploiting people like you, and chances are good that the New Age industry will treat you in a similar fashion. And we don't mean to imply that you are a bad person, but you are just so much fun to abuse. You appear to be tailor-made for the service industry, and you could be a successful doctor or psychologist, but we see you as a disgruntled prostitute (deprived of Prozac), who will meet with an early demise, bleeding in a gutter after a minor dispute over the fee you were owed after lending a helping hand while giving lip service.
You are best described in three words: McDonald's is Hiring
YOU ARE A PRIEST
You are very spiritual and strongly dedicated to the advancement of mankind, even if this means impaling them on spikes, or roasting them in gas ovens. Yes, you can become overzealous at times, almost to the point that your breath smells like cyanide gas; however, let this not dismay you from achieving your true objective in life. On the other hand, maybe we should level with you. You are Charles Manson, Adolph Hitler, and Jack Kervorkian all rolled into one. You should just kill yourself.
You are best described in one word: Fanatic
YOU ARE AN ARTISAN
You are highly creative and expressive, but your recent sculptures using the oozing pus of freshly lanced boils was nothing short of disgusting. Yes, we admit your idea of harnessing the static cling in your underwear was very inventive, but when you rigged all of the municipal toilets to simultaneously explode on Independence day, well, that was going too far! Frankly, the thought of another one of your creations makes us as jumpy and fidgety as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. So we offer the following suggestion: For the sake of humanity, PLEASE uncreate yourself
You are best described in three words: Bat-Shit Crazy
YOU ARE A SAGE
You are expressive, entertaining, and articulate, but your mouth is open so often that a fairly lucrative income could be had renting it out as a fly-catcher. It is widely known that your "word" is never done, but this will ultimately lead to your downfall; most likely at the hands of an ear-strained Warrior who will pound you repeatedly in the face with a shovel. We sense that intuitively you feel it is better to drone on with a limitless penchant for verbal diarrhea, but we have a better suggestion. We think you should just SHUT UP!
You are best described in three words: Retroactive Birth Control
YOU ARE A WARRIOR
You are strong-willed and focused, but your tendency for drinking out of the toilet is a constant concern of your friends. You will probably continue your job as the head taste tester for Ralston Purina, and for you, life will continue to be a bed of "ruses." In fact, 95% of your existence will be spent in bed -- usually supporting your favorite charity -- "Toys for Twats." Yes, it's safe to say, despite your problem with drool, that you have seen more tail than a veterinarian. Overall, you are not very intelligent, and your IQ is probably the same as the bust size of the women you pick-up at the local bowling alley; however, you could still be very successful in life, as you'll kick the living shit out of anyone who gets in your way.
You are best described in one word: Neanderthal
YOU ARE A KING
Although you are destined to get your likeness placed on a postage stamp someday, we just hope that this is one of those rare instances when you have your pants on. Yes, your charismatic charm is an open invitation to the opposite sex, so be selective, and try to avoid lovers who get Clearacil on the pillowcase.
You are best described in five words: Turn Your Head And Cough
YOU ARE A SCHOLAR
You are quite boring, and your body reeks of dry, crumbling parchment, but that won't stop the academic stench of your verbal diarrhea from reaching thousands of innocent people -- good thing they can't reach you! Furthermore, you have an annoying habit of employing a multitude of verbiage to say absolutely nothing of much interest, and we would suggest this is why the only girlfriend you can get is one that likes to bite the head off a live chicken. We agree that you possess a superb intellect, but look at the size of your head -- it's so bloated and swollen that it looks like an infected abscess that's ready to jettison. If we offer you a sharp object, will you just POP THAT DAMN THING!
You are best described in two words: Legally Dead
Michael Gathering Pictures
Great Michael Adventure | Signs That Your Michael Channel Is Crazy | An Interview With Michael | Murder, Cannibalism & Zombies
Things Found in Michael's Pockets | Ask Michael | Visit Michael Land | Site Map