As of late, with the abundance of Michael channels on the market, it seems that Michael now has territorial rights. It kind of makes you wonder if he was a vacuum cleaner salesman in a past incarnation. So why doesn't an entrepreneuring channel start a Michael franchise? This could be bigger than McDonalds! People could drive up to a fast-food styled building like the Golden Arches, but instead of getting a greasy slab of dead animal flesh, they would receive info on their past lives, their overleaves, the allotment of toe cheese between their ears, some Michael action figures thrown in for the kids, and the relative age of their soul. Of course, old souls would immediately be dragged out of their cars and beaten senseless with wet noodles, but this would only prove that the young souls are still in charge. Geez, the possibilities of this are limitless. I can even envision this mega-corporation expanding into a huge entertainment center like Disney World, but with a slight spiritual twist.

Picture this exciting promo.......


With the wisdom from the Michael teachings that life is merely a game that you can always play again in the next lifetime, we adopted the "why not take some risks?" philosophy. Who cares if you are inconveniently disemboweled after having sex with the local butcher's girlfriend, or if you find a barbecue fork inappropriately lodged in your skull after your wife finds out? You can always win the game in your next incarnation!

It was with this philosophy in mind that the Michael Land entertainment attractions were designed. Conveniently located on the beautiful coastline of Antarctica (where nobody can hear you scream), Michael Land is quickly becoming the least populated amusement park in the world. Please include us in your next vacation itinerary. We'd love to shove you in....uh, er....I mean, introduce you to our lovely cryogenic chamber of din, where kids are frozen free of charge. First time guests also receive a complimentary dead penguin that oozes pus.

See you soon!

Love, Michael



  • The Cordless Bungee Jump - One word: Splat.
  • The Human Cuisinart - "Oh, the joys of mangled flesh."
  • The Mystery Log Ride - Come float in our medicinal toxic waste.
  • Parade of Elves with Hideous Infections - They want to be cuddled.
  • Giant Wasp Petting Zoo - Lick the nest. They love it!
  • The Michael Lick-off - 1050 souls will anoint you with raw veal.
  • The Industrial Waste Flume - Can you say pungent?
  • Wet Moments With Mr. Lincoln - No comment
  • Decapitated Horse Carriages - A Sicilian delicacy
  • Hot Buttered "Michael" Massage Booth - Over 1050 hands of pleasure.
  • The Cryogenic Drool Rink - Made of the finest spit from "genuine" transients.
  • Hall of Infant Soul "Cereal" Killers - Come help them earn karmic points.
  • The Haunted Prophylactic - A nightmare of all Kings.
  • Tramway Thru the Digestive System - Watch us digest a live puppy.
  • The Electrocution Parade - You only need to it see once.
  • Lice Mountain - Join our infestation.
  • Tom Sawyer's Island of Bondage and Debauchery - Come burn some sex karma with the wildest boy toys this side of the Mississippi.
  • Kiss a Tasmanian Devil - Disgruntled animal souls finally get their revenge.
  • It's a Tall World - The ride to infuriate midgets.
  • The Scratch and Sniff Museum of Flatulence - A warrior's favorite.
  • Michael's Haunted Sock Drawer - Explore the static cling generated by over a million, tiny white socks.
  • Mengele's Dental Delights - Strap yourself in for the pain of your life, as the good doctor performs a root canal with a blow torch and an ice pick.


  • Candy Palace - Featuring "Gummy Entrails!"
  • The Candle Shop and other Pleasure Seeking Attachments - Never have to say "you're sorry" again.
  • Eat a Cricket Family Restaurant - Dave's personal favorite.
  • Abscess Julius - Freshly lanced while you watch.
  • "Things That Ooze" Snack Shop - Try our snot slurpees.
  • Toxic Waste Scent Shop - Can you say pungent - again?
  • The Mummify Your Mother-In-Law Store - Easy ten step procedure.
  • Michael-riffic Lice Cream Shop - Flavor of the month -- Chocolate Chip Cigarette Butt.

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