Top Ten Signs That Your Michael Channel Is Crazy

Questioning the sanity of someone who claims to receive the thought waves of a 1050 dead Warriors and Kings, is certainly not unwarranted. In mental hospitals around the world there are strait jackets just waiting for hapless dolts who have done lesser things, such as eating their own feces or working a 9-5 job.

Still, a Michael channel that's both accurate and sane can be a valuable resource for those on the spiritual path. Whether or not that path leads to enlightenment or bedlam all depends on the grip your channel has on reality. In other words, does he teach about tolerance for others and unconditional love, or that the secrets of the Universe can be eloquently summed up by the equation: E= lather, rinse, repeat.

We are all unique, of course, and subject to our own idiosyncrasies, so before we rush to judgement, we need to ascertain if our channel's uniqueness is within normal range, or does he suddenly believe, for no explicable reason, that he's an anchor on the Weather channel and ice water has been canceled again in Hell?

The progression of insanity in a channel may be imperceptible at first, with a gradual sequence that leads to minor things, like misplacing his car keys or leaving the milk out on the counter; to asking for constant advise from his spirit guides: Manny, Moe, and Jack; to more heartbreaking delusions, where he believes that reaching out to multidimensional realms causes jetliners to empty their chemical toilets on his house -- although he wouldn't be entirely wrong there, since conspiracy sites across the web claim that jetliners are indeed dumping their unwanted effluvium on houses, and probably lying about other things, too.

So as a public service, this site has compiled a definitive list on how to tell if your channel is not only insane, but BAT SHIT crazy.

10) Claimed a tax write-off on his out-of-body trip to the Orion Nebula.

9) Not only talks to his toaster, but to his 937 past life toasters.

8) Complains that walking through genuine cold spots in his house gives him an ice cream headache.

7) For a few dollars more he can also channel National Geographic and CNN.

6) Gets distracted by the strange hum coming from his alien implant.

5) Boasts about having phone sex with fornicating floozies from the Galactic Federation, but says roaming costs for wayward spirits that dematerialize across multiple dimensions is a bit pricey.

4) Stopped eating salad after channeling that aliens from outer space intend to invade the Earth via croutons.

3) In an awkward moment, he asks you to turn your head and cough.

2) Channeled that Ben Gay and Dairy Queen have a mate agreement.

1) Claims he can no longer channel Michael because they took out a restraining order against him for stalking.